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:iconheronwolf:
Hi there. I read both parts, so consider this feedback for both of them.

I like the easy going flow of the story so far. Very relatable.

Now as far as comments go, maybe you could describe the fire demon/spirit detective part some more? By reading this I'm not sure what these terms are and omitting won't really take anything away from the story thus far. If you plan on continuing the story, and explaining what the demon is, then that would help a bit. But right now it's a bit confusing.

That's basically it really, you've done the dialogue and other things fairly well so, nicely done. Liked it and look forward to the next part!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconyumiko12345:
Yumiko12345 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
Hello! :wave:

Thank you for your critique! I'm not sure what you meant by "By reading this I'm not sure what these terms are and omitting won't really take anything away from the story thus far." Do you think you could explain it to me? >.<

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll continue this story since it was a commission for someone. I would have to ask her if she wants a continuation.

And thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it. :3
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:iconheronwolf:
heronwolf Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahh, I meant that you don't really explain what a fire demon (as you describe Hiei) is. Is he some sort of demon? If so what has that to do with the story? Or does Hiei mean fire demon? Not fluent with Japanese so ;p
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:iconyumiko12345:
Yumiko12345 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
Oh, I didn't? I'm sorry. >.< I used the term "fire demon" in order to change it up a bit. Rather than using "he" all the time, I use "fire demon" since that's what he is. I'm not sure if you know or not but that's Hiei's species since he's not human. Well, to be more specific, he's a half-fire demon, half-ice demon.
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:iconheronwolf:
heronwolf Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Cool, well that is something you could add maybe. But then again not mentioning that he is a fire demon seems fine to me too, the flow of the story won't lack anything I think.
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:iconyumiko12345:
Yumiko12345 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
LOL, maybe I should add that in there so non-YYH readers would know. xD But still, I'm sorry that you were a bit confused. I do appreciate you pointing it out. :3
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:iconheronwolf:
heronwolf Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't feel sorry lol. Just a non-YYH (what does that mean btw?) person's POV ;p
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:iconyumiko12345:
Yumiko12345 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
LOL, thank you. xD And YYH means "YuYu Hakusho." It's an anime that's been running for about twenty-two years. :3
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