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:iconheronwolf:
As a first off fan fiction and translation into English I must say this is pretty good. Though it might be short, the reader is drawn into the story and probably want to read on, which is the point right?

I'll highlight some small grammar errors and give some suggestions.

I'd change the first sentence into "... the clouds made the battlefield look surreal (or unreal). For conversations, using accolades "..." works as well, and is used more often than <<. "But thus ... for me" might be better as "But then you'd be of no use to me..."

Then "I have... forcing me." into "I respect you, Shaoran Li. I never wanted it to come to this. But you have forced my hand."

"And then, ... hundred years." to "Face it, kid, you wouldn't be able to stop me even if a hundred years had passed."

"What are you doing?!?" either with ? or ?! (ditch the last ?).

Many lightning should be many flashes or bolts of lightning.

"A huge lightening... Shinobu was." to "A huge bolt of lightening sprang from the point of contact, making a high arc before crashing down into the centre of the magic symbol with a roar, right where Shinobu was."

"He weakly... became dark." to "He smiled weakly to himself, before collapsing on the ground and falling into darkness." OR "Then it turned dark."

Anyways, all in all it's a nice prologue, makes me want to read on. I think with some minor tweaking or revisions this can become even better.
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Comments


:iconkurocyou:
KuroCyou Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student
Hi, thank you for your critique and your help ^^
I was thinking to delete this chapter though, because I wouldn't be able to translate properly the following ones...
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:iconheronwolf:
heronwolf Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah that's too bad. Well you don't have to delete it because of the other ones. Maybe in due time you can upload them as well? Either way I wish you luck on your writing ;-)
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:iconkurocyou:
KuroCyou Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student
thank you *^* Would you mind help me with the next translations? :iconawwwplz:
another thing.
this:
"He weakly... became dark." to "He smiled weakly to himself, before collapsing on the ground and falling into darkness." OR "Then it turned dark." <--- can it be turned into "and the darkness surrounded him" ?
cause I don't want to change the original too much ^^;
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:iconheronwolf:
heronwolf Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sure, I'd be happy to help.
And yes you could change it to "And then the darkness surrounded him". Sounds good too ;-)
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:iconkurocyou:
KuroCyou Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student
thank you :iconrainbowtearplz:
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